Toxic Positivity

This popped in my head WHILE I was meditating — which is insane because I meditate to bring positivity and calmness in my life. But, here I am, listening to the soothing voice of Deepak Chopra and all I can think about is “toxic positivity”. After the meditation, I uncontrollably blurt out to my girlfriend; “I want to write about toxic positivity.” She takes a breath, locks eyes with me and replies “like saying positivity can be a bad thing?” I say “Yes”. “Okay baby, should be a good one.”

This conversation took place a few days ago and since then, I haven’t been able to think of anything else. So, what I have been mulling over and really trying to dissect is when I started using positivity as a weapon against feeling anything that I perceived as negative. I went all the way (mentally of course) back to 2002, the year my mother died. She and I were born again Christians and very active in the church. What stands out for me is how I worked excruciatingly hard to show that I was okay. I needed to prove that I was a strong, good, Christian who knew that what had happened was the will of God. Showing that strength and trust in God’s will meant that would show a brave face, dried eyes and glued smile.

No one talked to me about grief — grief counseling is not a thing in the church. People did talk to me about being strong. When the grief came over me (it comes in waves) — I would go to cry…