Lessons from my friendship

I don’t remember my first friend; I don’t think I had real friendships until I was in high school. The main reason for the lack of friends is that I grew up in a household where after school friendships were forbidden. My grandparents didn’t like friends; okay, that’s an understatement, they fucken hated them. They said nothing good can come out of having friends. My uncles and aunts have stories of how awful their parents were to their friends but my favorite story is what they did to my mother’s best friend. It is said that my grandparents had made it clear to the girl that she was not welcome to the house but she insisted on coming. So, one day, my grandmother took out all the dirty laundry and made her wash it. This was a ten-person household, and the majority of the kids were boys. Only my mom and she were to wash those clothes. That was the last time the friend ever set foot at the house, also the last time anyone would ever bring a friend over.

The rules weren’t as inforced on me, they were much older and didn’t have the energy to care too much about that. I did get pinched a lot for spending too much time at a friend’s house. My grandmother yelled at me when my breasts started growing, she said: “jonga unamabele ngoku ngenxa yetshomi” (look you have breasts now because of all these friends). I was sure she saw us digging out the bug that made our breast grow. It’s a small bug that we put on our tiny nipples and commanded to make our breasts come out. She didn’t see us, she just used that opportunity to drive her point about friends home. She did the same thing when my pubic hair started to grow. She said if I was going to get pregnant if I listened to my friends. Again, how did she know?! My friends had dared me to date this boy, Sisa. He broke up with me because I refused to hold his hand, I didn’t want to get pregnant.

I, however, have had the blessing of some amazing friendships contrary to my grandmother’s teachings. Some of these friendships have been the rocks upon which I stand and others, well, the rocks on which I knocked my big toe. We remember those old sayings “birds of a feather flock together” or “show me your friends and I’ll show you your future” I think that’s how they went.

I have friends who transcended that title and became family. I am also very particular about how I define friendships and make clear distinctions about who people are in my life. This helps me keep my expectations in check and let me tell you, those expectations are what have hurt me the most when it comes to friends. However, I still have the distinctions, they also help me create boundaries and I thrive on clear boundaries. I know the difference between friends and acquaintances, I also know when an acquaintance graduates to a friend.

In thinking about friendships, I have come up with four things that I have experience in my friendships:

Heartbreak

My first major heartbreak was from a friend. I’ve had minor heartbreaks when I was dabbling with boys. I was just not a good girlfriend, I was gay of course but, I got dumped a few times and it stung. This heartbreak was different though, it truly hurt. You know how you have that one friend that you tell EVERYTHING even if you know they will judge you? Yep, this was that friend. I told her about how I was kissing a girl and I EXPECTED her to keep that to herself. Imagine my shock when I’m called into a meeting with a group of Christians demanding to know what was going on between me and said girl. We were very active members an on-campus Christian ministry and rumors of our “homosexual lifestyle” started to spread like wildfire. During this meeting, with these women, concerned about my soul, and felt they ALL had to bamboozle me into a confession -because that’s what Jesus said to do. Someone, who had no business knowing what I had told my trusted friend blurted it out “I know you two are kissing”.

I still remember how that felt in my chest. I’ve never been kicked by a horse before but I imagine that that’s what it would feel like. There were a few seconds where I stopped breathing; they felt like minutes. I sat through that meeting feeling completely alone and the shame, aahhh the shame was the hardest to deal with. I cried every day for a week. I didn’t know that you could cry until you throw up. I also didn’t know that you could still throw up even if you hadn’t been eating. Let it be known that it was expectation hurt me that day. It was the disappointment of knowing that a friendship wasn’t what I thought it was or what I expected it to be. As Will Smith perfectly put it “expectation is the mother of disappointment”.

This friend and I are still very good friends. She knew she hurt me and apologized for days on end. What is love if we cannot forgive. Don’t get me wrong, it took a long time for us to get back to where we were in our friendship, the trust was broken. Trust is as crucial in a successful friendship as it is in a romantic relationship.

2. Rescue

I have a few stories of how friends rescued me, emotional rescue. I am someone who can get trapped in depression and I have mastered the art of masking it. I can smile through the most painful moments; I am good at “seeming fine”. I remember a classmate visiting me when my mother died, she went back to school and told everyone that I was laughing. She said she was confused, said she would have been in some corner crying if it was her mother. What she didn’t know was how I found every moment I possibly could to cry. I’d sit at the park, hide behind the house, or lock myself in the toilet but would wipe my tears dry and go be “strong”. Everyone told me to be “strong”, side note: I will NEVER say that to someone experiencing loss and grief. I say don’t be strong, break, cry, punch a wall if you have to, feel it and heal.

I have two moments that stand out about how friends rescued me from depression. One was when I was struggling to get a job in South Africa after I graduated. I became so overwhelmed with the rejection from potential employers that I stopped looking. I believed I was set to do call center jobs which I was not good at. My friend shared her studio apartment with me; rent free. I’m pretty sure she even fed me. One day she found me crying in her home, I didn’t know why I was crying so much but I couldn’t stop. Then it hit me, I was depressed. I had run out of ways of pretending that I was okay and just embraced the depression. We spent that night talking about how I KNEW I’d be happy when I leave South Africa. My friend took it upon herself to make sure that I did. She worked on my CV, talked to her friend in South Korea about getting me an agent, made sure I sounded good on my video for the recruiters; she rescued me.

When I felt that my 7-year relationship come to an end. You can feel it right?! You know it when a breakup is on its way. I called a friend and said “we are breaking up” and she said, “this is my therapist, I’ll pay for your first session”. This is something I will never ever forget because, in that instance, my friend took care of my mind. She held out her hand and saved me before I even sank. I didn’t even think I was going to need therapy and boy am I glad she did that. I was already in therapy when the depression started to hit. I was rescued before I could even drown.

3. REJECTION

I haven’t always been this out, loud, and proud member of the LGBTQ community. You know how they say the biggest homophobes are closeted homosexuals?! That was me. I was a classic case of projection. I projected all the guilt and shame I felt about myself to everyone else. What religion will never give me back are those years of self-loathing. I cannot tell you how many nights I went to bed crying because I was in love with a woman. I silently wrestled with the idea of a loving God who hates me for loving another person.

Oh but I didn’t just come out of the closet, I fucken kicked that door down. I was gay everywhere and in every way. This is when I experienced rejection. Most of my friends were born again Christians and when I came out; well they couldn’t play with a homosexual. I expected this to happen, I had memorized the scripture where Paul says “don’t be unequally yoked with unbelievers” and being a practicing homosexual meant that I was an unbeliever. I did, however, expect some friends to at least have a conversation before writing me off. Not to convince me to be straight, I’m pretty far gone, but to honor the friendship we had and the experiences that the friendship brought us. It hurt when I noticed a friend and her husband unfriended me on Facebook. You know how Facebook suggests friends to you and I was like; hold up Facebook, this person and I are already friends, in fact, we were friends way before you Facebook. I knew exactly when she unfriended me! It was pride month and I changed my Facebook profile picture to a rainbow flag and that’s it. I was no longer her friend.

It might seem petty that this Facebook rejection stung me so much. The thing is that living overseas, all you have to connect you to the people back home are social networks. Yes, you travel and make new friends but there is something beautiful about knowing that when you go home, your old friendships will be intact. I have come to accept that choosing myself over my religion is something that continues to cost me those old friendships. I am not sad about it, I’m actually happy. I feel like to be loved because of and not in spite of is disingenuous and I’d rather not be loved at all. I believe that having less than five friends who love me in spite of my flaws is more fulfilling than having many friends who love me because I’m what they think I should be.

4. Unwavering Support

I don’t even know how to write about this without crying which makes writing very difficult. Think about it, tears falling on the keyboard while you’re trying to type, not ideal. I have a handful of women and one man who support me through EVERYTHING. These people are there, cheering on in my good times and they are there holding me down in the bad. This for me is the kind of support I haven’t been able to get from family. I’m not saying my family doesn’t support, that would be a lie. The women in my mother’s side of the family will willingly spend their last cent on me, they will stand in front of a charging bull and will sacrifice whatever they need to see me succeed. I am blessed, truly blessed to be born in their family. However, there are things that these queens can’t support me through and I have found that support from friends.

I am one of those people who live passionately and that means a lot of things happen all the time. These few people have answered my phone calls in the wee hours of the morning. They treat my success as if it’s their own. There isn’t a business I’ve started they haven’t bragged about, not a moment of joy they haven’t owned in the most beautiful of ways. They, in different ways, help me deal with the tough times. I know who to call when I need to laugh, when I need to cry and when I need to curse.

There is a sense of contentment in knowing that there are people who don’t feel the need to compete with me in any way. People who understand that it is as important to share in my joy as it is to share in my pain. Sometimes, people want to be there in your tough times because it makes them feel good to know they’re not the only ones suffering. This is why it is vital to know who people are to you. You cannot allow everyone in your space even if you love them. Not everyone wishes you well; know that. There are people in your family who don’t wish you well. People who spend their evenings trying to find ways to tear you down. I am selective about who I give access to my emotional life. Be selective, don’t overshare.

In writing these, I realize that my grandmother was not wrong or right about friends. She just hadn’t experienced friendships in the way that I have and that’s okay. I ripped the rewards that come with authentic friendships. I’ve learned what true loyalty is, what it means when someone says you are their “best friend”. I don’t take that title lightly. I hope when you read this, you think of the friendships you have and how you treat them. Take a moment to appreciate them.